STREAM WITH HART
STREAM WITH HART
serving as your new feed for living an empowered life
A For You Page reimagined
Welcome to my alternative to social media: no politics, no pressure, no sales pitches.
Simply a place to scroll content intentionally designed with ease, good energy and everyday empowerment in mind.
I will be sharing my own thoughts, experiences and insights along with a variety of resources that I find of value.
I’d love for you to follow along and make this space part of your routine. Bookmark the page, sign up for occasional notifications so you don’t miss what’s new, and feel free to connect with me directly anytime. This stream is here to support you.
From the Vault
Essentially Shelley -> Ellehart.biz -> Feel Empowered Every Day
2019 - 2023
BLOG POSTS
Self & Relationships
Self Education
2021
Are you at the age where people are constantly asking you what college are you going to, what are you going to study, what do you want to do for the rest of your life or at least next, and you have absolutely no idea how to answer them? I get it. I am 50 years old and still don’t know how to answer some of those questions. But it can feel like that pressure and stress is putting the weight of the world on your shoulders when part of you really just wants to still be a kid. A lot of times it’s easier to follow the path that is expected of you by other people rather than figure it out for yourself or have to argue if you have a different idea than them. This feeling can be exacerbated for those who don’t feel like school is really for them due to the format, expectations, lack of connection with peers or staff, learning disabilities or pure disinterest in the subjects required. But there is hope!!
Unless you have your heart set on pursuing a career in a field such as teaching that absolutely requires a college degree, you have options and they are far more reaching than trade school if that is not your thing either (great if it is though because we are in need). But there is a whole new trend of self education and due to the easy access to relatively inexpensive or sometimes even free information available through the internet, podcasts, video sources, apps, books and good old fashioned conversations with people doing what you are interested in, just about anything you would like to learn is at your finger tips and the best news is you don’t even have to wait until you graduate from high school to get started. Of course self education does not have to replace a college education and you can do the two simultaneously but for those of you not sold on it, would like to wait and get a degree later or simply don’t have the money yet to fund tuition costs, it gives you another very viable avenue to pursue.
Yesterday an amazing woman who happens to be a great friend, incredible mother and successful entrepreneur shared with me how her high school son who is a big video gamer like most kids his age is learning via an app how to code, create and market his own video game and production company with his buddy and having a blast doing it. She is teaching both of her sons, the other in middle school, how to build a shopify website for a drop shipping business to market and sell products they find interesting and fun while giving a portion of the profits to a local animal shelter they adopted a dog from. Meanwhile, one of her friends stopped by and was telling us about her high school son who discovered a passion for photoshop and just got his first paid job after teaching himself how to use the software. She is in the process of creating an online writing workshop geared for small business owners to learn effective marketing strategies as well. And even the great Tony Robbins along with Dean Graziosi, a very successful real estate investor and author developed the Knowledge Broker Blueprint/KBB program teaching people how to sell their knowledge which is predicted by Forbes to be a billion dollars a day industry by 2025.
You may not feel like you have a passion yet and that’s ok, just take something that you are interested in, enjoy doing or are naturally good at, do some research to find out how to learn more and see where it leads you. For example, if you have a knack for math whether you struggle in other subjects or not, your overall GPA doesn’t matter, try reaching out to classmates who get frustrated with it and set up a fun tutoring service to help them pass their class. You get to feel valuable while fine tuning your math and relationship skills. As I have learned through the Clifton Strengths Finder that it is more effective to spend time and energy on your strengths rather than trying to build upon your struggles which is quite often the opposite of what we are taught. If you think this will never work for you or your child because you/they are not self motivated to do work, I think you will be surprised as to how time flies when studying something for the love of it versus being told to. And if a little extra boost of focus is needed you can always grab your Motivate, InTune or Thinker essential oil blends to help out.
So release some pressure of feeling like you have to follow the typical path society has in place, cozy up in your favorite spot, get creative, start the adventure of self education and open your world up to a path you may not have known even existed. If you need some guidance Activator is my #2 strength so I am more than happy to help you get started!!!
“Formal education will make you a living, self education will make you a fortune.” ~ Jim Rohn
Boundaries
2021
Many years ago I had to set some boundaries for myself to protect my emotions. It was one of the hardest things I had to do because those boundaries severely limited contact with my dad. This week I received word that he has passed away and immediately the guilt of protecting myself reared its ugly head. I had to remind myself that self-care does not mean selfishness.
As far back as I can remember, every wish I made was either for a puppy (which is a story for another post) or for my dad to stop drinking. Given the fact that I didn’t have control over either one, I had to learn to cope with having neither. In keeping true to the intention of this blog, I am not going to go down the woe is me road for having grown up with an alcoholic father, but instead focus on sharing my journey in dealing with it.
It just so happened that unlike many other’s who are dependent on alcohol but can still keep their lives together, my dad was non-functioning. He was in and out of my life sporadically while bouncing around the country and due to several circumstances found his way back to Windsor, Ontario where he was born. Although my dad was a good person with a heart of gold, he never found peace with himself which affected his potential for relationships with others. I can’t speak for how he felt but it was obvious that he struggled with who he was and never learned to accept himself. This struggle with thinking you are not enough as you are yet can’t be more like someone you think you should be quite often leads to the need to escape. What we don’t realize is that we are meant to be unique and our problems are common but a lot of people flip those believing we that we are meant to be common and our problems are unique causing a feeling of isolation believing that no one would understand what we are going through. When in actuality people in an addicts life will do just about anything to get them to stop and quite often take on the responsibility of their choices themselves.
However, letting go of the need and desire to try to change and therefore control someone else and instead put our energy into taking control of our own life is one of the best gifts we can give to others. It is not our place to make decisions for or try to live someone else’s life by placing expectations on them and when we do, we just set everyone up for disappointment. We also have no place determining how another should live and when we try to fix things for others we are ultimately just disempowering them because their life is not our to lead and may cause feelings of inadequacy.
Unfortunately, setting limits for and focusing on ourselves is something we are not typically taught to do, but it is imperative to our mental and emotional health. If this is a struggle for you, like it is for most of us, please reach out and I would be happy to share with you the tools I use to help me feel empowered everyday by not only setting but honoring necessary boundaries.
Empowerment vs Powerful
2021
Those who seek to be Powerful, do so because they lack Empowerment
Due to a variety of issues going on I have come to realize that I take major issue with ego (which will be another post) and power. To me, they are the root of so many unnecessary conflicts that go on in our world and personal lives. As I was pondering yet another annoying headline that popped up on my phone this morning it occurred to me that my whole mantra in life is “Be Empowered” and I even just created a new business entitled Feel Empowered EveryDay. So if I despise the idea of seeking power so much, how can I be so obsessed with empowerment? Isn’t that a complete contradiction?
So I did some research and gained clarification from the definitions of each term: POWERFUL means having control and influence over people and events; having a strong effect on people’s feelings or thoughts whereas EMPOWERMENT means the process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in controlling one’s life and claiming one’s rights. So in short, powerful is external having to do with others and empowerment is internal keeping the focus on yourself. This explanation gives me a better understanding of why I feel the way I do about each and clears up my concern for hypocrisy.
I recently learned that people become (or attempt to become) controlling of others or the situations around them when they don’t feel in control over themselves. Unfortunately they don’t usually see it that way and it causes all sorts of stress for the people they are trying to control and for themselves as well. I am sure as is the case with most of you, I have lived this scenario on both sides of the spectrum and neither feel good. This is just one reason why it is so important to open your mind up to personal growth and self development. I know consider myself a recovering control freak and will no longer allow myself to be in a relationship or situation where someone is trying to control me. One of the ways I am doing this is by understanding and living in my strengths.
I have several Influencing strengths which means I innately have the desire to move people forward but the key to using them in a way that benefits the people I am trying to influence is by learning to ask questions and follow their lead on what they want for their life and support them however I am capable of versus inserting my agenda for them onto them. In the words of my mentor Eddie Villa “When we think we know what is best for someone else we will be wrong 100% of the time”. The best leaders are those that have enough self empowerment to ask questions, listen to answers and lead from a place of service rather than those who assert their power over people they feel they are in charge of thinking they have all the answers and lead from a place of needing to control externally.
Root Cause of Stress
2021
Stress is such a common part of life that we barely stop to question it. But since it is ultimately the leading cause of death, due to being the underlying factor in countless diseases and health issues, it’s time to start taking it a bit more seriously. Not to mention it accounts for so many of the physical issues we deal with and of course mental and emotional challenges as well.
Stop for a moment and think of something that is now or has recently caused you to be stressed. No matter what it is or where it is coming from, I bet if you peel back the layers you will find the same cause in every type of stress. Having the same common denominator in every stressful scenario is a huge benefit in trying to reduce it. Now you may be thinking yes, my mother, spouse, job, boss, homework or whatever it is for you is always the cause of my stress so that makes sense. No, that is not what I am getting to! We are going to peel it back deeper than that.
There is an underlying theme to all stress and once we learn how to manage it we will have the key to stress management so many are looking for. Now, of course there is no way to get rid of stress all together, it is part of life no matter how you choose to live it. It is true, however, that some people have much more stressful lives than others based on the decisions they make, expectations they have and boundaries they may not have set. But it can definitely be significantly reduced so that stress doesn’t stress us out.
But we first must want the stress in our lives to be reduced. This may sound like a silly thing to say but when it comes down to it I think there are many of us that are addicted to stress and would not want or know how to live without it consuming us. When you are going through the self-awareness step in the emotional intelligence process, pay close attention to this concept. Society in general tends to have us running around wearing stress as some type of badge of honor. Think about it, can you go through the day without hearing about how stressed out someone is? So it’s like the old chicken or the egg dilemma, which came first, actually being stressed or looking for stress? Either way it’s quite often the main focus of people’s days, conversations, emotions and lives and that needs to change to live healthier lives.
So let’s get to the bottom of it! Go back to that recent stressful situation in your life. Since I can’t chat with you about yours right now, I will share one of mine as an example. My youngest son who is 22 just moved from San Diego (where I live as well) to New York City! Yes, I am stressed. There are several factors that play into my stress regarding this move with the biggest being his safety and security. When I break down the stress of his safety and security to the deepest level, it leads me to the feeling of lack of control. Since I can’t control his environment, who may cross his path, how he is going to make ends meet and so forth, it causes me to worry. But that worry does me no good because no matter how much I do it, I won’t be able to change having control over those factors. I can choose to give into this helpless, stressed out feeling and let it run my life, or I can choose to control what I am able to. Since the only thing in life we have control over is ourselves, I need to shift my thoughts and rely on my Strengths to feel my best.
When we choose to go down that route instead of letting stress take over, knowing our personal Strengths order is the most reliable guide to lead us out of doubt and back into certainty given that it is tailored specifically to us as individuals. General advice can be helpful but much of it may not be very effective since it does not apply to our own way of doing things best.
Stay tuned for my next blog post to learn how I am using my Strengths to help ease my stress about my son navigating his life in New York City or contact me directly so we can walk through how you can use your personal Strengths order to reduce stress you may be encountering right now.
Making Decisions
2021
Some of the toughest decisions I have made in my life especially over the past few years have been very clear to me on how I should proceed even if challenging. But the one I am wrestling with right now does not stem from a difficult circumstance or solve a particular problem that is hurting me in some way, it is something I am opting for to move myself forward.
Most of you who know me or have been reading my blog know that I have been working as a middle school Instructional Aid. As much as I value the time I have spent in this role, I view it as a stepping stone in my path to creating my own mentoring business where I can actually roll up my sleeves and help students and their parents on a much deeper level.
Previously I have led with my heart and after the decision was made, relied on my head to sort the details. However, this decision requires a ton of self belief so my head is taking over and questioning everything my heart desires. And boy is living in my Strengths being put to the test!
I have been very torn about my role in the school given that I get to meet all kinds of kids and interact with students on a daily basis. But as regarded as the position may be in helping struggling kids, it is not enough of an impact in where my passion lies.
In many situations in life, this is part of the working (especially for others) gig and I appreciate that but when you are just now starting your first career at this stage of life, those minutes are too precious to let slip by. And the fact that I have such a strong eagerness for mentoring and building the business I am creating, I am at an impasse as to how to spend my time. I believe in what I do and know how much my mentoring benefits people but the idea of putting all of my eggs into my own basket is terrifying.
When we doubt ourselves, we are inevitably letting our bottom Strengths run the show and we hear everyone else’s voice inside our heads except our own. Change can be scary enough at times but when it is out of desire and not necessity it may wreak all kinds of havoc. For me that havoc involves getting caught up in needing to accomplish rather than just experience, overthinking rather than trusting my gut, worrying about all the data and numbers rather than letting things flow naturally, living in my past, rather than being present in the moment and comparing myself to others rather than accepting and embracing who I am. These thought processes are not natural to me and therefore cause unnecessary angst. As much as I have PTSD about quitting since I was repeatedly told I could never make it in the “real world” and would never be able to hold a job. I am diving deep into my top strengths to own my decision knowing that it is based on choosing to grow rather than stay in the status quo because of comfort and fear, which is actually anything but quitting.
So, it is time for me to ditch the doubt and get back in touch with the Strengths that make me shine, follow how I do things best and GO FOR IT! Each day will be a challenge but one that I am super excited about. I am ready to have confidence in this girl and her ability! And if I do happen to fail, I will have so much more to learn from than if I had never trusted in myself.
What decisions have you made recently? Did you go for it or let doubt win? Knowing your personal Strengths order and their meaning can help keep us guided on the right path for us, quiet the doubting voices that creep in and ignite excitement about the new decisions being made that are in line with who we are.
Be sure to hop on over to www.feelempoweredeveryday.com to learn more about building emotional intelligence using the CliftonStrengths as a foundation.
Who Does She Think She Is?
2021
“Who does she think she is?” I cannot tell you how many times a day this question creeps into my head. When you are programmed with the framework of judgement, it is very hard to live as if you are meant to do and take on whatever you want.
Now, I am not writing this with the intent of pointing fingers or placing blame on others. I know it is my job to manage my own self-talk and determine my fate. And since I cannot, nor should not try to control what others think, say or feel about me, I will best be served by putting that energy into taking control over my thoughts, words and feelings about myself.
Pretty straight forward, right? However, simple is not always easy!
No matter how good I may feel about what I am doing, those words always seem to find a way back into my head causing me to question, doubt, hesitate and rethink the path I am on. They are not necessarily spoken directly to me, but there are so many indirect ways they are blasted right at me, sending my vulnerability into a tailspin.
Even though we may know exactly who those people are and have the emotional intelligence to understand where it’s coming from and the fact that those judgements actually have nothing to do with us, but are stemmed from their own limited capabilities, it still finds a way to bring us down, even if just for a moment.
Following your own heart versus what others expect of you puts you at even more risk to be scrutinized but also sets you up to experience even more true joy.
So when the question “Who does she think she is?” pops into my head I now take a deep breath and remind myself of exactly who I am…
I am all about connecting with people and helping them move forward. I love to chit chat and put a smile on their face, even if just for a moment. I am very enthusiastic about helping people overcome struggles and care very deeply for them. I honor what sets people apart while finding a connection with them. For me, everything happens for a reason and I love to share my thoughts and feelings about it. I am easy going to be around but enjoy time alone to process as well. I tend to focus on problems and won’t stop until I find a solution so that things ultimately end on a positive note. I struggle when I stop listening to my own desires and get caught up in the measurements of what I have or have not accomplished. I go to a dark place when I overthink and focus on the past. I am genuinely interested in seeing people do well and feel low when I start comparing myself to others or am viewed as though I am trying to be better than them.
I would love to know, what is the phrase that creeps into your head that doesn’t serve you well? And how do you not let it overtake you? Let’s connect!
Simplify to Amplify
2021
This Starbucks cup sealed the deal with something I had been contemplating recently. My legal birth name is Rachelle but I have been called Shelley my entire life. This is probably a good thing because whenever I need to use my legal name, it is a complete pain!! No one ever gets it right, both in spelling and pronunciation. It’s not just one common mistake, there are several variations people come up with. In fact, when I was going into junior high I remember trying to use it so I seemed more “sophisticated” but it was exhausting so I have always just stuck with Shelley. There is nothing wrong with it besides having to accept that everyone will constantly spell it Shelly. It has suited my bubbly personality and fit my life as a mom with 3 young boys so it was never anything I ever questioned until a few weeks ago.
I have no idea why or where it came from but the other day out of the blue it dawned on me that Elle is a perfectly logical abbreviated version of my name. In fact, it’s an abbreviation for both Rachelle and Shelley. So I stated this revelation to a friend who thought I was a little wacky for just now figuring this out but that’s beside the point. We used it a few times for a joke but I was really liking it.
Now, many of you know I struggle with a Starbucks addiction and have been trying to kick it but my school is right by 2 of them so it has been very challenging to avoid the temptation. Given that I believe everything happens for a reason, had I not gone in for a fix the straw may not have ever broken the camels back. To be fair it is difficult for baristas to hear with all the chaos going on and the added plexiglass barriers with muffled masks doesn’t help but really….. Jelly!? When I received my order and saw this name on the cup it was the sign I needed that it’s time to move on from my Shelley days.
I have been in this midst of many major life changes in the past few years anyway, so why not add one more to it?! If you have read my previous posts, you will remember that I wrestled with my identity post divorce as it was in terms of a last name. If I am going to shorten my first, why not do the same with my last and create a whole new one? So, I would like to introduce you to Elle Hart! I am and will always be the same person but as with everything in my life, I am evolving into a more empowered version of myself. It is the icing on the cake of independence, a professional representation of the new business I am creating through Feel Empowered Everyday and fits the mantra I embrace, “Simply to Amplify”.
I also am of the belief that it is never too late to try new things in life to expand yourself. It just so happens that this expansion requires a subtraction (of just a few letters).
I Can See Clearly Now
2021
I’ll never forget the drive home when my son wore his glasses for the first time. He was so amazed and excited about all the details he didn’t even realize he was missing. “I could always see the grass but now I see each blade of grass. Everything is so clear!” As I reflect back on his surprise at what he had been missing by not seeing details and how overjoyed he was to finally not feel like he was always in a blur, I couldn’t help but wonder if that’s how some people go through each day in terms of life in general.
I was reminded of this yesterday when going through my clients personal Strengths order. She was just as amazed and excited to have such clarity about herself. “Shelley, everyone needs to do this!! Everything makes sense now!” She couldn’t get over how I knew so much about her, even things she was reluctant to admit to herself. Your traits tell a lot about how you do things best and how you can drop into self doubt and create issues for yourself.
As we discussed the top 10 and bottom 5 at length, she was able to see the benefits and hindrances of each one which gave her the vision as to how to best approach people, situations and life in general. Everyone desires to operate in a way that is best for them but not everyone knows exactly what that looks like. Embracing your personal CliftonStrengths order is like putting on a pair of glasses for the first time. You may have always known generally how that might appear but now you will be able to understand and appreciate the details going forward.
Marvelous March
2021
March is my birth month and now my rebirth month. Not only is it when I was born (1970), it is when my divorce became final (2018), I moved to California by myself (2018), started my new job in the middle school classroom (2019), launched the idea for my new mentoring business (2020) and discovered the impact of Strengths (2020). Now we are in March of 2021 and I survived a full year of being in the country’s most restricted city during the pandemic. So needless to say, March is typically a time of reflection for me but it’s coming in full force this year.
I have found myself having all kinds of deep realizations about myself and my life, especially over the past few weeks to the point where I am overwhelmed by them. I literally can’t keep up with my thoughts. But here’s an attempt at putting my reflections into words so I can learn from my experiences and thoughts to help me as I go forward on my journey.
In terms of my birth, life was stressful for my mom due to my conception and did not get much easier during years she busted her butt raising me. I have the utmost respect for everything she did to provide for me and my younger sister as a single mom who could not count on help from my dad but it made for a tense upbringing. Our relationship has definitely had it’s ups and downs over the years to this day. I realize one of the reasons I did not leave my marriage years ago is because I think subconsciously I didn’t want to raise my kids with the same single mom stress I was raised with so I tried to make the best of the good days and ignore the bad ones as best I could to save my boys from feeling the same pain I did growing up. I realize that it was not just stress from being a single mom but her limited emotional capabilities due to issues she endured throughout her whole life that had nothing to do with me. Nonetheless, I have finally come to terms with how to live within my own boundaries versus expectations of her to move forward in a positive manner.
In terms of my divorce being final, unfortunately it wasn’t until October of 2020 that I actually finally felt free when we agreed upon a lump sum buyout for maintenance instead of the lifetime support the judge ordered. My reason for the court battle had very little to do with money and more to do with proving my value. But even though it was deserved and earned, I hated receiving monthly checks given the feelings of mental control that went with them and by the court due to the support stipulations. As happy as I am to be free, I realize that being free financially does not equal being free mentally; undoing 30 years of “stuff” is not easily done. But I give myself grace and move forward one day at a time.
In terms of moving to California, I am still loving that decision but feel a bit isolated since meeting new people has been more difficult these days and friendships from home have drifted or even severed. I realize true friendships are hard to come by and the ones that exist are to really be cherished. I have also learned that quality versus quantity is much more important to me these days in terms of who I spend my time with and give my energy to. I revel in like minded people who look to move forward for themselves in a positive manner.
In terms of my job at the middle school, one of the main reasons I got it is so that I could get out of the house and connect with people. I thought at the time those connections would be with the other teachers and staff but the connections I was enjoying the most were with the students. Just as I was getting my groove in how I felt the most useful and even mustered up the nerve to approach my principal about starting a social emotional club after school, we shut down and have yet to step foot back on campus. This whole year has been spent doing my job at home on a computer and let me tell you, zoom is no where to make connections especially with kiddos. I realize how much I miss being around people and how much we all need it to some extent on a regular basis.
In terms of launching a mentoring business, since the after school club idea was canned before it was even pitched I decided to morph my passion into a one on one concept. Getting a business off the ground by building it from the bottom up is one of the hardest things I have ever done and that’s saying a lot given everything I have been through. This is not because of the amount of work but because of the many ways it challenges my belief in myself. I realize that the premise of my business, “being yourself is what is needed to be successful” which is based on my passion about not feeling like we need to measure up to or be like others, is exactly what challenges me the most in regards to my frustration with the process. I continue to be persistent everyday and no matter how difficult, I will not give up.
In terms of discovering strengths, it has been one of the most important things I have done for myself. I spent decades feeling like I could not fully be my authentic self for so many reasons. I realize that when I lean into my top strengths and stay out of my bottoms, that is when I thrive! It may have taken me 50 years but I am so grateful to finally know, understand and embrace who I am unapologetically. I look forward to continual growth as I follow my own path to success my way.
Let’s Start Our Strengths Journey
2021
Let’s get the basics down before we jump into discussing individual Strengths and how they impact our lives.
The words traits and strengths are often used interchangeably. However traits turn into strengths when they are used frequently just like going to the gym frequently builds muscle strength.
The assessment will rank 34 traits we all possess in an order that is unique to us. It is statistically impossible to have the same exact order as anyone else in the world. This in itself helps to remind us that we are not meant to be like anyone else. In fact one of the leading causes for depression and anxiety is thinking we should be more like someone we are not. Learning, understanding and embracing Strengths can help decrease these feelings by giving people the permission and understanding they may need to be themselves.
Clifton Strengths is the only assessment whose results provide a specific detail of you only. Most other “get to know yourself” quizzes will put you into a box or category with a whole slew of other people based on general personality.
Strengths are categorized into dominant domains. There are four domains that the traits are broken into when looking for a more generalized approach to understanding them. Relationship Building – Strategic Thinking – Influencing – Executing I will go into more detail of each in future posts.
There are no weaknesses! The strengths that show up at the bottom are not your weaknesses. They are incredibly useful in showing you how you show up when you are not being your authentic self. This quite often happens when you are doubting yourself, trying to live by someone else’s terms or slip back into thinking you should be someone you are not.
Don’t judge a strength by it’s name. Just as we shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover or a person by their looks, it won’t serve you well to think you understand a strength by the name of it. The meaning is much more complex than it’s title and depending on where it lands in your order and what other strengths are around it, that meaning will fluctuate.
There are no good or bad strengths. All strengths have good qualities and things to be aware of. One is not better than another due to the fact that strengths don’t determine what you can or cannot do, they simply determine how you do things best.
The order of your strengths matters…a lot!
1-10 are your top strengths that keep you on track to being your unique, authentic self
5-6 are your core strengths that you will rely on as your compass
11-13 are important but not your main go-to’s
14-29 are your middle of the road that will show up but don’t really define you
30-34 are the strengths you fall into when you are not following your own way and are doubting yourself for a variety of reasons
I know the word journey is over used these days but I can’t help but equate your life’s journey to a road trip across the country. Listen to my podcast for more detail on this http://www.anchor.fm/feelempoweredeveryday but basically your strengths are your own personal map. You need to make the choice to be in the driver’s seat instead of letting someone else take the wheel and determine your path. Within your top strengths there are bridges and tunnels to be mindful of and your compass gets you back on track when you start to meander off.
Coffee Shop Connections
2020
As I was getting ready this morning for another day of online classes with my middle school students and I was going through the schedule in my head a realization hit me. Last year during lunch I would walk through a park, by a gorgeous fountain to the Starbucks for some unwinding, regrouping, recharging and of course a sugar rush to get me through the day. I would usually sit quietly and do some work but I also enjoyed engaging with the customers as well. One day, I was having a conversation with a gentleman regarding kids, family, parenting etc… and I remember him telling me he could see how kids would easily connect with me because I was very disarming. That observation and the fact that he shared it with me helped lead me down the path of student empowerment that I am now on. My realization was that now because of all this “social distancing” (which there is nothing social about distancing, but that’s another topic) we can no longer enjoy random conversations with new people crossing our paths while relaxing and hanging out in public with our faces uncovered, at least not in California.
Any of you who know me, know that I thrive on meeting new people and rarely go without talking to someone while out and about. A friend once joked that if they left me in a restaurant to use the restroom by the time they got back, I would have made a new friend in that time. With WOO (Winning Others Over) as my #1 strength I discovered today how much quarantining is taking a toll on my personality. Obviously I have known that it is not natural for me and I have been struggling with it but not at this level. I didn’t realize how much various interactions through casual conversation with people I am just meeting works in my subconscious and helps influence decisions I make.
It is amazing to me how much human connection affects who we are especially since we tend to put so much pressure on ourselves to have all the right answers. When we stop, relax and genuinely enjoy someone else there can be so many lessons when we actually listen to others. I recently attended doTERRA’s virtual global connection convention which usually draws about 35,000 to Salt Lake City to attend but was done online via video this year. They opened with the seven founders reminiscing about how the company got started and took us through the process of going from grassroots, bottling oils in their living rooms, cashing in every penny that had and taking loans from family members to a billion dollar, global company with millions of customers by staying true to their mission of providing us with the purest oils and the growers with the purest business practices. As I listened, again I realized how their story has influenced me over the past 5 years to not give up with things get tough or challenging. Taking the easy route does not typically get the best results and if they could overcome all the circumstances they had to, I have the ability to do the same.
Whether meeting and chatting with someone in a coffee shop or hearing the story of people you don’t know personally but admire, our interactions with strangers can impact us in many ways. Given that Relationship Building is my dominant domain, I always find value in my interactions with others but until it has been all but take away I didn’t realize how much I am impacted by them. A good lesson to appreciate the small things in life because we never know how and when things might change.
How Far Should You Go Outside Your Comfort Zone?
2020
As I dive deeper into this world of personal growth and entrepreneurship there is a lot of talk of stepping outside your comfort zone in order to gain success and I fully agree. But how far is too far? It is good to expand yourself and push the boundaries of what you think you can accomplish but at what costs. There is a fine line between comfort zone and authentic self.
What I mean by this is as you are stretching and taking on new challenges be mindful that you are being true to who you are. It will do you no good to do things that are not in line with you at your core. If you do not have that deep a level of true understanding of yourself (more on this in a future post) take the Clifton Strengths Assessment, get the list of your full 34 traits and I can guide you through a personalized explanation of how they interact and what they actually mean depending on your unique order. Once you have a grasp of that then you will have a better idea of what direction to proceed. For example, if I feel like I need to get out of my comfort zone because I read that being a good leader means I should schedule weekly team meetings to discuss sales numbers but analytics makes me uncomfortable due to the fact that Analytical is low on my Strengths, by doing so I would not be growing in a direction that is true to who I am and my team would pick up on how inauthentic I would be coming across. This would most likely create a disconnect with us and be a very ineffective way to motivate them.
This blog, however, is a perfect illustration of going out of my comfort zone but staying authentic to who I am. Communication is high in my Strengths order so an appropriate way for me to push my boundaries is to expand my audience instead of relying on solely on my inner circle to share my thoughts and challenge myself to go beyond just posting on social media but find a new platform for my voice. When I am being myself, my team feels more of a connection and gets motivated by my energy rather than my breakdown of numbers.
When we are authentic we are believable and more trustworthy therefore more successful. One of the fastest ways to lose people’s, including your own, confidence in you is by trying to be someone you are not especially when seeking out some type of achievement. Therefore it does you no good to go outside of your comfort zone when it takes you to a place you do not belong. One of the important lessons of knowing your Strengths is the realization that we are all different on so many levels and not only is it ok but it is natural for us to all go about things in our own ways, not anyone else’s. So as you move forward with self-growth use discernment when you come across other people’s opinions of how that should look, pick up and use what is applicable for yourself and leave the rest for others to benefit from. Your team will thank you, you will feel so much better and everyone will be less stressed and more productive.
Who Are You, Not What Are You?
2020
WAs I dive deeper into this world of personal growth and entrepreneurship there is a lot of talk of stepping outside your comfort zone in order to gain success and I fully agree. But how far is too far? It is good to expand yourself and push the boundaries of what you think you can accomplish but at what costs. There is a fine line between comfort zone and authentic self.
What I mean by this is as you are stretching and taking on new challenges be mindful that you are being true to who you are. It will do you no good to do things that are not in line with you at your core. If you do not have that deep a level of true understanding of yourself (more on this in a future post) take the Clifton Strengths Assessment, get the list of your full 34 traits and I can guide you through a personalized explanation of how they interact and what they actually mean depending on your unique order. Once you have a grasp of that then you will have a better idea of what direction to proceed. For example, if I feel like I need to get out of my comfort zone because I read that being a good leader means I should schedule weekly team meetings to discuss sales numbers but analytics makes me uncomfortable due to the fact that Analytical is low on my Strengths, by doing so I would not be growing in a direction that is true to who I am and my team would pick up on how inauthentic I would be coming across. This would most likely create a disconnect with us and be a very ineffective way to motivate them.
This blog, however, is a perfect illustration of going out of my comfort zone but staying authentic to who I am. Communication is high in my Strengths order so an appropriate way for me to push my boundaries is to expand my audience instead of relying on solely on my inner circle to share my thoughts and challenge myself to go beyond just posting on social media but find a new platform for my voice. When I am being myself, my team feels more of a connection and gets motivated by my energy rather than my breakdown of numbers.
When we are authentic we are believable and more trustworthy therefore more successful. One of the fastest ways to lose people’s, including your own, confidence in you is by trying to be someone you are not especially when seeking out some type of achievement. Therefore it does you no good to go outside of your comfort zone when it takes you to a place you do not belong. One of the important lessons of knowing your Strengths is the realization that we are all different on so many levels and not only is it ok but it is natural for us to all go about things in our own ways, not anyone else’s. So as you move forward with self-growth use discernment when you come across other people’s opinions of how that should look, pick up and use what is applicable for yourself and leave the rest for others to benefit from. Your team will thank you, you will feel so much better and everyone will be less stressed and more productive.
Empty Nest Mompreneur
2020
Mompreneur is a neologism defined as a female business owner who is actively balancing the role of mom and the role of entrepreneur. I preface by empty nester because the actively balancing part of the definition is not what it used to be but is still significant nonetheless. Once a mom, always a mom!!
As my kids started leaving the nest I realized that I would one day be looking outside of the home for something to fill my time, luckily there was a 7 year spread between the first and last so I had some time. I had many concerns surrounding this after spending my whole adult life being home for my family. I touched on this a bit in pervious Essential Living posts but am taking a deeper dive into the insecurities empty nest stay at home mom’s face here. Two main issues plagued me when I allowed myself to face this dilemma. I was a mom after all so problem solving was my forte but the catalyst was it had to be someone else’s problem, facing and solving my own was not in my job description.
Since the parenthood path started for me before the career path, I felt that nothing I would do outside of the home would give me even close to the same level of fulfillment as raising my boys and then there was the question of what skills did I possibly have to offer? This line of thinking was false on both accounts but it has taken a lot of personal growth for me to come to this realization. I assume this is what leads many women in similar positions to the safety of network marketing. I know of several who have dabbled in many of the home party businesses due to having a circle of friends who are always looking for an excuse to get out of the house for a glass of wine, having a business model already formed to follow, the flexibility of setting your own schedule so you can work around your family and there is very little emotional risk involved. Many enjoy it for a period of time, it runs it’s course, people lose interest or just no longer need more of what you are selling so it dries up because there is no way you have what it takes to go outside of your circle. This is great for a hobby but what if you want more?
My divorce is what led me to wanting more for a variety of reasons and luckily I was already a part of the network marketing company that eased me into a world I don’t know if I would have had the courage to be in now. I learned that the source of fulfillment can be different but yet effect you all the same. My boys will always be the greatest joy in my life but I can derive just as much pleasure from something I am doing for myself. One of the reasons I loved being home with them all those years is because I am a natural care giver but I can now expand that care to whoever is wanting to receive it. So this takes care of issue number one, now onto the hard part. I did not believe I had the necessary skills to be of value beyond what I was doing within my comfort zone. The essential oil world clicked for me because of the benefits I was experiencing myself, I believed in the company and how it is run and I was staying safe, playing small and not trying to out kick my coverage. Working at the school quickly felt comfortable to me since I have a natural connection with kids. But as I continued to learn about myself and let go of limiting beliefs that plagued me for years, I knew this was not enough.
It was time to become a full on entrepreneur and face my fears to get there. (Hint, there will be a whole post dedicated to fear to come). Once I allowed myself to come to terms with who I am at the core, the what I can offer people fell into place without any struggle. We spend too much time trying to sort out the what first without considering the who (again, a post yet to come) but because of the strengths assessment and my mentor, I got those flipped and am ready to tackle the world. The coolest thing is, I am realizing that so many of the tactics I naturally used while being a stay at home mom for 25 years between the parenting, household organization and logistics of dealing with 5 people and 2 dogs, I am more than equipped with the skills needed to build my own business, I just needed to change my perspective of them. Because I am following my authentic self, all of my passions fit beautifully together allowing me to grow a business incorporating the different modalities to achieve the same goal, help people live a more empowered life!
One-size Does Not Fit All
2020
I have a huge appreciation for personal development and follow all kinds of “gurus” in the field. Whenever I take in the content they offer I love that spark of inspiration and the “yes! that is what I need to do to improve” rush. Unfortunately I quite often somehow end up feeling like more of a failure after trying to implement what I had just learned but am not getting the results I thought I would. How can this be? I had just obtained the key information I was missing to do this life thing more effectively, why isn’t it working? So then I am left questioning why am I so inept that I can’t do what is needed when this very successful person with a huge following is giving me the secret ingredients they used to get where they are? The plan, mindset, principles, actions are right there in front of me, it sounded so easy when they were talking. Why am I not determined enough to follow through? All the Instagram memes I scroll through are so powerful and I try to embrace them but no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to stay motivated.
After years of struggling with this love affair with influencers and desire to get to where they are, I have finally been introduced to something that actually is working for me! I now view the plethora of amazing self improvement content out there with more discernment helping me pluck out the nuggets that fit who I am so that I can naturally follow the advice because it resonates with me, Shelley, not anyone else. We all know that people are unique, different and no two are exactly alike, yet we put so much emphasis into putting everyone into boxes, categories or stereotypes. Personality tests are designed to help us better understand ourselves but still plot you in some type of grouping. We are continually told that if we just put enough time, energy and effort into knowing where we are lacking and work on that, we will get to the next level. I now know differently and have never felt more of a connection with and acceptance of myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have the belief that people and their perspectives can be of great help, in fact, it is because of one of these people that I now finally have clarity. About 2 years ago I took yet another figure out who you are test called the Clifton Strengths Assessment, got the results, read the report, found it interesting but didn’t think much of it again. Just recently I was taking part in a leadership conference for doTERRA in which they had various people who are successful within the company speak. I enjoy these but never get too fired up about them because once again I find myself with the frustration of why can’t I just do what they do to get where they are? But this guy was different. He didn’t give the old if I can do it, anyone can speech. He shared with us his insights on the Strengths Assessment I mentioned above and gave life to the results. He brought to light that the emphasis is actually put on being an individual and how you are meant to do things different than anyone else. The depth of his understanding and explanation of the way the strengths related to one another showing us how to use specific talents in your own life in a practical way was so incredibly eye opening to me.
This man is Eddie Villa and he captivated me immediately with his passion and has kept my attention ever since with his knowledge because this was finally not a one size fits all idea of self improvement, it focuses on people as individuals so we can learn what works best for our authentic selves which leads to organic success not frustration of trying to follow someone else’s path. I have learned more about myself in the past couple of months than I have in years of blindly taking in information. Now I know exactly what will work for me and what is best left for other people to benefit from. I have been eagerly studying his method and am helping others to not just understand but embrace their unique selves as well. I have a deep desire to make a difference in people’s lives, now I finally understand where that drive comes from and what it will take for me to go from where I am now to where I want to be. Join me?
*Search Eddie Villa or Unleash Your Strengths on social media.
You Never Know What Will Bloom (my journey part 6)
2019
As I started my new job I had no idea the passion that would blossom in me from it. My experience is a perfect example of why we should try new things in life, how it’s ok to change our paths as life goes on, what you assume something will be like may not always be the case and who you can evolve into by the mindset you create. Don’t get me wrong, I have many mundane days but when I have the opportunity to make a difference it is worth all the awkward moments of being the creepy lady sitting in the corner of the classroom.
I quickly learned my niche in this new role at the school. Even though I was hired to support the kids with their academics I realized through getting to know them that what they actually struggled with the most was social/emotional distractions that led to anxiety and difficulty with being able to focus. So, I became the go-to person for my students to air their stress to someone who did not get caught up in the drama of it but listened with the purpose of providing insight to help them deal with it more efficiently and effectively. I gave them perspective and tools to process, taught them about mindset and the importance of self-talk. I saw that once they were able to address their issues, they could then relax and concentrate on the subject matter in the classroom. The feeling of seeing their burdens no matter how insignificant most adults would view them or many times actually quite significant no matter who you are, being lifted off their shoulders and the smile returning to their faces was priceless to me.
I have always put more value on how people feel over what they achieve especially with raising my boys but was often told this was because I didn’t have to live in “the real world” but now I see that it directly impacts the ability to achieve. Too many parents of these middle schoolers are already putting so much pressure on the kids to get straight A’s so they can get into college that they feel valued by their grades rather than who they are and end up missing the joy in the actual learning process. I teach them that middle school is where they learn how to learn and once they figure out what works best for them the grades will fall into place more naturally. This is an age that lends itself to being unsure and self-conscious so the last thing they need is added pressure.
Since emotional intelligence accounts for 80% of success, wouldn’t it make sense to not only teach it but encourage the practice of it to students especially at such an impressionable age. Imagine how much easier the teen years (ok, maybe not easier given that the hormones are still raging) but at least more manageable if they had the knowledge to be more self-aware and therefore better able to conduct themselves in relationships? I am now on a mission to make EQ just as important as IQ for kids. Why wait until they are adults to try to implement it’s benefits?
Funny How Life Works (my journey part 5)
2019
Just as I was feeling settled, getting the lay of the land and wondering how I would fill my days, it was summer break for my youngest two boys who both decided to come live with me. I had set up twin beds in my other bedroom and bought large plastic bins for storage underneath to sort out the logistics, now we just needed to figure out how we would all do being in such close quarters together. Given the boys were living college life, they were used to sharing small spaces and not having much privacy. I, on the other hand was just getting used to having my own place to myself but even so, I could not have been more thrilled to have them with me. We definitely had our struggles but I loved hearing them giggle like little kids again hanging out in their room together and took advantage of the time I could spend with them.
I savored the summer with my boys, managed to keep the peace for the most part, mustered up my patience with their summer job search process and enjoyed having the perfect transition time into figuring out what was next for me. I had never held a full-time job outside of the home and had no idea where to begin to look. My first tendency was to stay in my comfort zone and go back to something I had already done back in college which was waiting tables but a friend I had met suggested I look into what the school districts had to offer. I loved building my doTERRA business but needed something more reliable to help get me on my feet and more importantly out of the house. Being an entrepreneur has so many advantages but it was a bit isolating at the moment and I needed some routine with set hours so once they were back at school, living their college lives, I checked it out.
I quickly landed a part-time supervisor position at a middle school and absolutely loved the kids, my role and way I could help them while still giving me the time to support my doTERRA team in Chicago. This was the perfect set up except that I knew at my review with the judge, I would need to hold a full-time job with benefits since I wasn’t making the money he imputed on me. After 3 months I was able to get promoted to an all day Instructional Aid position at a different middle school in the same district. I had fallen in love with this age group and even though I really enjoyed working security, I kept an open mind and entered the classroom to support the special needs learners which ended up taking me back full circle to the beginning of my college days when I started out studying to be a teacher. Funny how life works.
California Dreamin (my journey part 4)
2019
I can’t explain the exact feeling but even though I stood alone in a small empty apartment nearly 2,000 miles from my friends, and was actually scared shitless, I felt a sense of calm, peace and tranquility I don’t think I have ever experienced before. I didn’t even take time to overthink it (which is totally unlike me) because I had a ton to do and had to get to work immediately. I went back to the airport the morning after landing to rent a car but given that it was spring break in southern California they were basically sold out and I ended up with a pricey Mustang so I had to figure out where to get a car quick and my boys were coming to visit in 3 days so no dawdling with the unpacking. By the time they arrived I had negotiated my way into a Mini Cooper Convertible lease and had my place feeling at least somewhat homey to welcome them.
I have never asked but my guess would be that they noticed the new relaxed me as my oldest showed up with a blow up bed he carried on the plane and we had a ton of fun just making due with what was available, exploring the area together and hanging out enjoying each others company. Even though I wasn’t completely organized and set up yet, the timing of their visit to celebrate not only my actual birthday, but the birth of their new mom who could finally be completely herself and was excited to tackle life could not have been more perfect.
Shortly after they left, my mom and stepdad were able to come out as well. Even though I was living so far away, I think my mom finally breathed a sigh of relief seeing how happy I was after enduring one stressful, tearful, vent-filled conversation after another for so long. We relaxed by the pool and enjoyed the serene view of the ocean and the Carlsbad flower fields right outside my window. They left and I had nothing on the schedule but to enjoy my life one day at a time, living in and loving on the moment and focusing on my personal growth.
And She’s Off… (my journey part 3)
2019
Now that my mind was made up, I was on a mission to make the move as soon as possible. I worked like mad to get the house ready for sale. After several road blocks by the ex, a sale agreement was made and I was off to the races packing. I could spend this whole post lamenting on all the struggles he gave me through this process but the days of giving him my energy are over and I am just focusing on the pride I have in finding a way to prevail in spite of his efforts. My therapist was a bit worried about me because I was putting so much stock in “Once I move to California, …. will be different” because I was nowhere near the positivity I was telling her I would have. While I was still there living it, I gave myself grace to experience all the emotions and frustrations that I was facing in the process of moving and surviving a 7 day divorce trial that spanned over more than 2 months. I am forever grateful to my friends and family who stuck it out with me because I know I exuded a ton of negativity during that time but I needed to process all of it so I would be ready to let it go and move on when I actually moved on.
I vowed to myself that once in California, I would take on the mindset to live in the moment and drop expectations, living with the attitude of appreciation within my personal boundaries. I would be open to new experiences and people but have a clearer vision and tolerance of what I would allow in my life. I had an amazing mover who took care of driving all my belongings including my dog out there for me, I gave my car to my middle son who had his taken away from him and boarded a plane with a suitcase in hand. I landed late at night so headed to a hotel near the airport for the night before I could get into my apartment. I happen to be on a shuttle bus with Southwest employees who when they heard the story of my new journey that was starting at that very moment, they applauded, cheered and congratulated me and I couldn’t think of a better way to solidify my new attitude in life!!
Where in the World? (my journey part 2)
2019
Thankfully in the beginning of the process I had several distractions to keep my mind off from myself. I was so focused on figuring out where my kids were mentally and emotionally in coping with the divorce, in particular, my youngest who was still living with me and going through a number of health issues during his senior year. Taking care of my house took a ton of time since once the ex moved out he no longer felt any obligation to help maintain his investment or deal with all the stuff he left behind. And learning how to maneuver through the whole legality of the divorce process, strategies, options, reviewing document after document and having to go to the judge several times before he even heard our case to settle disputes along the way was not only time but energy consuming in itself.
Once I got used to all that and my son graduated from high school, I had no choice but to face what my future might look like, ,more specifically where I would live. This was a terrifying thought for several reasons given that the decisions where we lived had primarily been determined by the exes career. I wrestled with the idea of trying to keep the home where I raised my kids in a neighborhood filled with friends I loved but quickly realized that it was not the best idea physically and financially with all the upkeep but mostly due to feeling like staying there would keep me in the past rather than help me to move forward. I was embracing living alone for the first time ever but being in that house made me feel lonely, so I had to decide, where in the world did I belong? With my kids launched and no career to hold me in place, I could go anywhere I wanted which was exciting but incredibly scary because I had no clue where I would feel at home by myself. Going back to my childhood town was not an option and my older two kids hadn’t laid roots yet. I was initially drawn to California but couldn’t bring myself to go that far away from the boys, until my youngest announced he had been accepted to SDSU. Needless to say he was not too keen on the idea of mom following him to college but since I couldn’t swing a move until 7 months after him, it gave him a little time to miss me especially after being sick with strep twice and then having an appendicitis followed by meningitis having to recover in a hotel room with me, all his first semester there that he was actually pretty excited to have me near by. So the decision was made and off to Cali I would go.
Survival Mode (my journey part 1)
2019
The decision to divorce was made September 1, 2016, the day after our 25th wedding anniversary and after 7 days of trial, yes trial, as in put up on the stand and grilled for hours trial, the divorce was final March 12, 2018, although not officially settled until September 11, 2019, due to his appealing the whole case. Through the process it felt as though I lived several lifetimes and time went by both too slow and too fast simultaneously but I buckled up, strapped in and held on sometimes just trying to get from breath to breath never mind day to day. I had no idea what was in store for me on so many different levels and I took more hits than a boxer does in his career. Somehow I always ended up finding a way to not only get back up, but become stronger than I ever thought I could be. And as it turns out the toughest time of my life was the most beneficial for me because I allowed myself to make mistakes, feel the pain and most importantly grow like mad in ways I wasn’t even realizing at the time, helping prepare me for anything that might come my way. Now don’t get me wrong, I was a complete mess and was a toxic load of negativity to be around venting to literally anyone who would or felt obligated to listen. As I told my trainer the other morning during a grueling workout, when I am faced with a problem, I bitch and complain then find a solution and move on. The issue at that time was I kept being faced with problem after problem which I won’t go into detail here because this blog is about feeling empowered and negativity and victim mentality, which I had been fully embracing, is not empowering. Therefore, I try very hard to no longer feed it and give it power, so unless you went through it with me you will have to just take my word for it that it was ROUGH, hence my no 2 bad days in a row post. I was existing in survival mode and needed to figure out quick how to not just survive but to actually thrive which is how we are meant to live and was the reason I started down this path of independence in the first place. So the journey began…
Identity Crisis
2020
My plan was to create my posts in somewhat of a chronological order as to when experiences occurred throughout my transition process but as often is the case with life, things are not going according to plan. Something happened today that I feel the need to write about.
I’ll go into more detail later in another post but I am currently working as an Instructional Aid at a middle school helping kids who struggle. Today my assistant principle moved me to a different class. She introduce me to the new teacher as Mrs. Burkhart so I corrected her and let her know that I have the kids call me Miss Shelley. She then said I can’t do that and have to go by my full last name, not even initial. We proceeded to have a back and forth about how I choose to be addressed which was unpleasant for all of us.
Here is my issue. During the 25 years I was Mrs. Burkhart not only was it my name but it was part of what defined me and I lost myself to it. I was happy to take it at the time and don’t regret it at all but I am no longer that person and prefer not to be verbally reminded of my ex all day long. It has been quite a process to discover who I am as an individual and I would like to keep my focus there now. So, easy solution (which she also suggested), use my maiden name. Two reasons that doesn’t work for me either is my kids are Burkhart and I don’t wish to separate myself from them even by name so I legally won’t change it and honestly I have no desire to take my nonexistent dad’s name back either. Just as smells conjure up memories for people, both of my last names bring back a flood of bad memories associated with stress.
Hence the identity crisis. I’m not having some major emotional break down, I just very simply don’t want to be referred to Mrs. Burkhart or Ms. Reddam 8,000 times a day. So I have dug my heals in and will continue to be called Miss Shelley especially since the kids already know me by that but I have a new empathy for divorced women who have a similar struggle. It is a very strange feeling to think I don’t have a name that really belongs to me. Help me out ladies, am I the only one who feels like this??
Caring For Ourselves is Caring For Others
2020
There is a lot of talk these days about how if we care about other people we should be staying home to protect them. And as much I could rant about everything going on surrounding that, I am going to leave it alone and keep my focus on the many ways that caring for ourselves is caring for others. I find that this concept is hard for many people to grasp. We have been conditioned that in order to show we care about someone we should put their needs above our own and do all kinds of selfless acts to prove it. We sacrifice our health and well-being for the sake of others all the time without even realizing it. These sacrifices show up in every relationship we have from the workplace to our personal lives and even quite often with casual acquaintances. If we put ourselves first we are being selfish, but are we? I find the best way to reduce the discomfort of this subject by examining the following question.
If I don’t value myself, how can I expect someone else to value me? Don’t I owe it to the people in my life to lift the burden of having to take care of me physically, mentally and emotionally or paying for my ineptness and lack of self responsibility in feeling the brunt of my unresolved issues by taking care of myself to alleviate that stress? But how are we supposed to do that if we are hyper focused on everyone else’s need first?
So if I don’t value taking care of my body physically by eating a balanced diet, taking supplements and doing some form of exercise because I am too busy tending to others needs am I really caring about you or am I setting you up to have to take care of me due to being in pain or sick? If I don’t value taking care of my mind mentally by being able to focus, remember what we talk about or be energetic because I am too busy tending to others needs am I really caring about you or am I setting you up to take care of me due to being overwhelmed? If I don’t value taking care of my heart emotionally by learning my triggers and how to process and express my feelings because I am too busy tending to others needs am I really caring about you or am I setting you up to deal with my breakdowns and outbursts?
In my experience lack of being responsible for yourself sets you and others up to resent behaviors and results of those behaviors which is far more damaging to any type of relationship whether dealing with a co-worker, significant other, parent/child, or friend than taking the time and energy needed to make sure you are at your best so you can be your best. I know I appreciate dealing with someone who is feeling good and good about about themselves because I feed off that positive energy and in turn want to be an inspiration to people that come in contact with me as well.
To be clear, I am a classic giver, enneagram #2 (the helper), high in relationship and influencing Clifton strengths with the desire to connect with people and move them forward, a wellness advocate teaching people to be empowered with essential oil use, not to mention a very enthusiastic and involved mom of 3 grown boys so I am right there with you on the importance of caring for others and I would never suggest leaving the people in your life high and dry while you go pamper yourself instead. My message here is when you care for others in place of or above yourself, you are not really caring for them after all. So go out and be a do-gooder all you want, just do it after you have done good for yourself first which will leave everyone feeling valued.
The Power of the Pause
2020
The power of the pause is a tool used when practicing emotional intelligence particularly before you respond or react to someone or a situation so you have time to gather your thoughts, process your emotions and take a breath to help you prevent behaving in a manner you will later regret.
Today, with everything we are facing in these trying times of social distancing and altered lifestyles, why not take something that is perceived as negative and turn it into a positive? We can do this by taking a pause to have time to gather our thoughts, process our emotions and take a breath to help us prevent living in a manner we may later regret. What I mean by this is while we are forced to slow down, free up our busy hustle bustle schedules, take a step away from our work, schooling and other commitments and distractions maybe do some soul searching to evaluate if we are actually living a life authentic to ourselves.
In order to do that we first have to take this time of quiet to reflect and allow ourselves to go back to childhood-like thinking and see where our dreams take us. Then ask ourselves a series of questions to dig deep into our cores reconnecting with our passions, purpose and heart. Through this journey you may find that yes, you are living exactly the way you have envisioned for yourself and there is very little you would want to change. But if you realize you have made choices based on someone else’s expectations of the path to follow or have let your own expectations be influenced by what you think you should be doing based on societal norms or parental pressures it may be time to rethink and redirect yourself so you can get back on your own course of fulfillment.
I am in no way suggesting that you up and quit your jobs or pack your shit and move across the world on a whim, but if your life, especially on a daily basis, does not look like it’s actually yours, start taking the small steps that will eventually lead to big changes. I have recently read 2 books that may give you perspective, guidance and the mindset into this topic more professionally than I am able to offer. Brave not Perfect by Reshma Saujani and The Conscious Parent by Dr Shefali Tsabary (which by the way you do not need to be parent to benefit from) and there are of course many more to choose from as well.
In the meantime to help you with this process I recommend turning to essential oils to encourage your mind to relax and open up to this experience so you are able to get the clarity you are looking for.
~Roll Forgive (The Renewing Blend) over your heart to create a path to let go of burdens and guilt. ~Roll Adaptiv (The Calming Blend) on your wrists as a solution for stress, restlessness and being on edge so you can regroup. ~Diffuse the following separately or together:
Lavender to help alleviate feelings of isolation and loneliness and bring you restoration and peace
Peppermint which increases awareness and perceptive abilities
Sandalwood cultivates a strong sense of self and independence
Frankincense to induce feelings of inspiration and introspection
Geranium when you need help with self-forgiveness and opens the heart to nurture the inner child
No Two Bad Days in a Row
2019
I just wrote my post about essential oils and emotional support and it brought me to one of the first mantras I adopted at the beginning of my transition period. My childhood was heavily influenced by negativity so I tend to lean in this direction and throughout the years I have struggled with depression but to prevent myself from slipping down a dark hole I knew would be easy for me, I never let myself have two bad days in a row. If something happened (and many of those somethings did) that sent me spiraling I gave myself grace, let myself feel all the feels, vented, bitched and complained to whoever would listen, threw the covers over my head to try to escape life, but the next day I put my big girl pants back on (or like my girlfriend, applied the red lipstick), oiled up and made myself have a better attitude, maybe not good, but at least better.
My youngest son was still living at home with me for the first year of the split so I always forced myself get out of bed to see him off to school or work and would be showered and dressed by the time he got home. There were definitely days when each minute in between was spent in bed or on the couch with every ounce of energy zapped out of me but I refused to let my kids see me in that light and more importantly refused to let myself fall completely apart because of someone who wanted to see that happen. As they say, the best revenge is success so when the sun sets on your bad day remember to wake up with a new attitude and make the most of the new one in front of you, your future self-empowerment depends on it.
Just Because You Understand Why, Doesn’t Make it OK!
2019
This phrase played a pivotal role in my pursuit towards self-empowerment. My ex and I had tried marriage counseling a few times throughout the years but nothing seemed to help. My experience taught me that unless you are willing to work on yourself by becoming self-aware from going deep within first, it is a waste of time to try to work on being a couple. Just focusing on trying to change the other person or get the counselor to agree with your point actually makes things worse instead of better. So I decided to seek therapy for myself with hopes that if I became a better person, I would be accepted and loved enough to make him happy. This reason itself was a lesson in how much work I had to do.
As I was in a session one day a few months in from the start of working with her, describing some things that were going on, she pointed out that I often made a habit of justifying his behavior because I knew where it was coming from and why it was happening. And that’s when she stopped, looked me in the eyes and slowly said, ” Shelley, just because you understand it, doesn’t make it ok, especially if it hurts you.” As simple and obvious as those words are, they hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn’t stop thinking about them and realized I owed it to myself to make a change whether I was scared shitless or not. I am sure something similar had been said to me before throughout the years but for some reason, that day I was ready to hear it. Because he was not willing to do the work on himself, my journey of self empowerment and independence began. It has been a much tougher road than I anticipated but one I am very thankful I am now on.
Don’t dismiss the power of the simple and obvious especially when offered by another’s perspective. You just may hear things a bit differently one day and your life can be changed.
Inaction Causes Stress
2019
Stress is the basic contributing factor of more than 60% of all human illness and disease and is recognized by many as the leading cause of death. Most people believe they are victims of circumstance which causes stress, therefore, it is out of their control. But the fact is, IT IS NOT THE EVENT, SITUATION OR OTHER PEOPLE THAT STRESS US OUT, IT IS HOW WE REACT TO IT THAT CREATES STRESS. The challenge in front of us can be diffused by simply changing our mindset and the way we process it or by taking the necessary action to resolve it. I would say in most cases that cause stress we know what it is that could be done to reduce it significantly or the answer could be found with a little digging, but for one reason or another we choose not to follow through with the action needed. So when you boil it down, it is our own inactions that creates stress. When not dealt with our hormones freak out decreasing the strength of our immune system and increasing inflammation in the body which cause us to lose energy and focus quite often leading to depression and/or diseases. We then become stressed by not feeling well and the hamster wheel effect takes hold.
Once we adopt the idea that we have full control over ourselves but no control over other people or circumstances, just how we chose to react and perceive, we are on the way to significantly reducing the amount of stress faced with each day. There is a resolution for just about everything that weighs on our minds, we just need to take the action needed to deal with it. Of course it may not be able to be handled immediately but setting a goal and plan of how and when it will be taken care of will reduce a good amount of stress in itself until the action can take place. We can also free ourselves by limiting expectations and judgements we place on others and put our focus on appreciation and gratitude. Where we place our energy and thoughts is typically what comes back at us in the form of negativity or positivity.
If you are thinking this all sounds well and good but there is no way it can reduce the stress I am dealing with, leave me a comment with a description of what is weighing on your shoulders and I will give it my best shot to walk you through the mindset adjustment or action needed to help lift your burden.
True Success
2019
We are taught to believe that success typically means achieving a certain level of wealth, status or hitting some type of benchmark. Doing so can feel amazing, but we tend to neglect to consider why we want to obtain this particular success and how much do we actually enjoy the process of getting there. Success is defined by the accomplishment of an aim or purpose. But I would like to take it a step further and ask “What if true success was measured by not just the accomplishment achieved but by how much time we spend doing something we love? If we dread the process is it really success? I know many of you will have an issue with this saying there is nothing wrong with hard work or you can’t just go through life only doing what you enjoy, you need to be responsible and I fully agree but if you don’t love how you are spending your time getting there, are you really shooting for your own success or what you think is success?
If you are a weightlifter and absolutely dread going to the gym, don’t enjoy the sweat, grind and push of the workouts but feel like in order to be admired you need to have bulging muscles or constantly set new PR’s, are you really living an authentic life being true to who you are or are you feeding your insecurities? If you dread working at a job that stresses you out but it pays big bucks letting you live in a beautiful house, drive a fancy car or buy all kinds of toys, are you really living an authentic life being true to who you are or are you trying to buy happiness? On the contrary, if you spend all day playing video games, living in your parents basement or spend all of your free time binge watching Netflix because it makes you happy, are really living an authentic life being true to who you are, or are you avoiding living to your fullest potential because you don’t think you are capable of doing so?
Unfortunately this belief pattern now starts young with kids being told their success is determined by the grades they receive and the colleges they get accepted to instead of by learning to love the process of learning and time spent embracing the excitement of it. It’s no wonder the anxiety rates are skyrocketing but I will reserve that rant for another post to come. In the meantime, I challenge you to ask yourself the question, “Is reaching a goal, aim or purpose really considered a success if I was miserable in the process of doing so or am trying to obtain it for the wrong reasons?” These reasons can be brought on by influence of peers, pressures from society or trying to live up to parents expectations. For something to be considered a true success we should derive just as much, if not more pleasure from the time spent on it as the prize does itself and that is achieved by loving what we do because it is authentic for ourselves and no one else.
Why Personal Development
2019
“The best contribution you can make to someone else is self development, not self sacrifice”. – Jim Rohn
In this section of the blog, I will be sharing notes I have taken from various motivational and development books, podcasts, masterminds etc… From my perspective and experience many moms especially stay at home moms feel like in order to be doing a good job, everyone else’s needs should be top priority. This was first brought to my attention by a chiropractor I was seeing for my back pain and was my first encounter with a doctor who focused on the mind/body connection by healing the whole person. He would preach to me about the airplane concept of making sure to put the mask on myself first so I could be better equipped to take care of others. Now that my boys are grown, I realize how much better I would have been as a mom if I had embraced this throughout the years instead of putting myself last and feeling guilty for the time I did spend for me. I see this repeatedly with my wellness consultations. I will meet with a a woman about oils and she goes through the list of everything she needs for her kids and husband but won’t spend the time or money on oils to benefit herself. It wasn’t until I became a part of doTERRA that I really realized how important living a life of self growth is versus living for everyone else. I hope you enjoy the information I will be sharing with you and would love to hear what personal development books have inspired you.
Why “Be Empowered”
2019
For those of you who follow me on Instagram you have probably noticed that many of my posts are about being empowered in one way or another. So many of us live (myself included) feeling a victim or helpless with our circumstances involving our everyday lives, our bodies, our jobs, our kids, our friends, our environment, our interactions, our relationships, our thoughts, our emotions etc… It was not until a few years ago that I realized this doesn’t have to be the case. We don’t need to live letting life happen to us. It is a simple choice or series of choices pertaining to our mindsets and perceptions that determines whether we are in control of ourselves and living the life we actually want. Which brings me to my next point, many of us have gotten so caught up in the day to day that we haven’t graced ourselves with the enlightenment of if we are really even living the life we dare let ourselves dream of. So let’s break this down into sections because frankly the whole thought of reassessing our lives is completely overwhelming. I will be doing posts pertaining to each of the life situations we may be feeling stuck in and helping you to gain a little bit different perspective of it from my personal struggles, experiences and how I am now able to feel empowered over my life and live it according to my authentic self. It took me almost 50 years, but I am finally here so it is not too late for you either! Let’s be empowered together.
Why “Essentially Shelley”
2019
Over the past few years I have struggled with the idea of self branding. Everything I read about building a business advocates for it but I was subjected to the idea that self-promotion was pompous. As my business started to grow and I expanded my influences I learned to embrace the idea. Being a classic over thinker therefore suffering from paralysis by analysis I have struggled and changed my brand name several times. It took finally coming out of the fog I had been living in for me to be grounded, centered and clear-minded. It is then that Essentially Shelley was born and in more ways well beyond a brand name. Given that my primary business is essential oils, essential or a form of it (essentially) made sense and letting people know my name also made sense but there was something more to it for me. According to Webster: es.sen.tial.ly means, in essence: used to identify or stress the basic or essential (absolutely necessary, extremely important) character or nature of a person. Wow! Many things were changing in my life at the time but nothing bigger than the process I am in of reconnecting with my authentic self by discovering not only my own character and nature but furthermore that I am important and necessary. So as you read forward with my blog, you will be able to get to know essentially, in essence, the basic Shelley and what course of action it has taken for me to finally get to know her at 49 years old as well. Do you know your essential self and lead an Essentially_______ life?
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Health & Wellness
Why doTERRA as a Business
2019
My journey up until I discovered essential oils was the life of a stay at home mom who started a family while still in college. Throughout the years, I had on and off odd jobs such as day care/babysitting, selling jewelry for a friend, making frames with old windows, worked in a home decor store as well as ran their social media and even got certified for boxing fitness training clients in my basement. I loved the bit of extra cash and learning new things but nothing set my soul on fire or felt like it fit me. As much I loved staying home with my kids, I knew that time was flying, they would all be gone and I had lost myself in my family for a variety of reasons but I had no idea what type of career I would pursue given that I finished my degree in Communications but never used it in the workforce.
As I mentioned in my last post, I started getting obsessed with essential oils and while attending a leads meeting for my boxing gig I was introduced to doTERRA by a wonderful woman who was so heartfelt and sincere that I was hooked immediately. I told her on the spot I was all in. I spent the next few days researching and making binders of everything I could find on doTERRA and essential oil uses. I will admit, I was very leery about becoming involved with an MLM company though and was actually waiting for the shoe to drop and find out they were all creepy, salesy, swindlers but the more I learned and experienced, the more I was impressed with the company, their leaders and was reassured this was my path!
The flexility of running your own business without the stress of starting something from scratch was exactly the perfect combination to satisfy my entrepreneurial spirit but let my focus stay on my family and teenage boys. It is completely a you get out what you put in set up without pressure. The only commitment is to use the products yourself so you are not just selling to jump on the bandwagon for commission which is perfect for me since I prefer just about everything I have tried to what I had been using before from my medicine cabinet to household cleaning supplies to personal care. So when I introduce someone to a product it is because through experience I think that they can truly benefit from it, not just for the sale. When you read business books pertaining to sales you learn that most success comes from the people who genuinely love their product and want to help others, not themselves so no wonder there are thousands of successful doTERRA wellness advocates from young moms to empty nesters who enjoy improving people’s lives while benefiting from time and financial freedom. Maybe you will be one someday too??
Why Essential Oils and How I Started Oiling
2019
I had spent several years dealing with headaches, sinus issues and debilitating back pain/spasms. I was in and out of doctors offices and sought chiropractic care. I remember my family physician told me regarding my back pain that it was just something I was going to have to live with for the rest of my life and handed me prescriptions for muscle relaxers (flexeril) and pain killers (vicodin) not having any consideration for the long line of addiction in my family or that I was a young mom with 3 kids to take care of. I knew it was not a path I could risk going down so I was back to square one. Luckily I eventually found an amazing chiropractor who taught me so much about my body and how to control it but I still suffered setbacks on occasion and dealt with the pain. I knew there were answers, I just had not found all of them yet. During the time I lived in London, I went to the Chemist for a suggestion for my sinus pain and was given a small bottle of liquid with the instructions to put a few drops on my shirt or pillow case and just inhale out of the bottle when needed. My family referred to it as the smelly stuff for the 10 years the bottle lasted us. It wasn’t until I was running out, trying to figure out how to replace it that I realized I was using essential oils so my interest was now piqued. This happened to be right about the time Pinterest was gaining traction so the research frenzy on essential oils was in full force for me. I was amazed at what I was reading and wanted to try all of them. I remember going on a girls weekend with women I didn’t know and rubbing oils on the bottoms of their feet even though I am disgusted by feet in general but I was so curious about their effects. At this time I was buying them from where ever I saw them until I was soon introduced to the company doTERRA and while listening to my, now friend, Eleni share her experiences I was told by another girlfriend, “You should do what she’s doing because you are obsessed with essential oils”. I couldn’t place my starter kit order fast enough and as I took the caps off my first doTERRA oils, the passion I had been searching for for years was born. They smelled and worked differently than most oils I had been using and I could not have been more thrilled with the results. Stay tuned for future posts where I will share my experiences and testimonies I have had over the past few years.